An Imperfect Soul, Desperately Chasing After The Perfect Heart Of Jesus! The purpose of my blog is to encourage a sincere and intentional relationship with Jesus! To heal and remind women of who God says WE are! To walk boldly and confidently in our identity in him, and his unconditional love for us! You are enough! You are NEEDED!
I’m that girl who listens to her heart/ inner wisdom when everyone else thinks I’m crazy and says no! Maybe this is faith. I will walk paths others dread and would rather be careful. I will stick around when things get crazy, sometimes even draining me before walking away because I believe in changes. I’m also that girl who sometimes gets so overwhelmed and super exhausted, and instead of taking a break sometimes, I walk away emotionful. Then later learn from my mistakes. I vent, I cry, I do throw tantrums from time to time🙈, then run back to God and my position revived, refreshed, and ready again (Jesus is awesome, y’all)
I can be very random at times 🤪. I can be too trusting at times. I’m that girl who embraces being human and not hides my emotions from God because he can handle them and change what needs changing in me. I’ll never stop growing in his presence.
I’m also that girl who is judged even before one gets to know me—criticized after learning me. I was told I’d never have a good relationship. I’ll never be anything in life. I keep making bad choices after the other, and I’m worthless ☺️. I struggle a lot like everyone else, I just don’t hide it as I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I’m okay with it, I love it!!! I will speak up. (crazy because I used to bottle my emotions, now I’m learning to express them tactfully) I crave authenticity and feel stifled/ unbalanced if I can’t be my true self.
I’m that beautifully imperfect girl!
I’m sharing this to encourage someone to be unapologetically YOU! Some will accept you, and some won’t… (Be open to being gentle with and forgiving towards them.) It’s okay, love, accept yourself for whoever you are—your annoying quirks, weaknesses, and strengths. You’ll never stop being beautiful, believe that!!! You are so worthy!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😊🤗🤗
Just as any human, I struggle at times to trust God. In fact, during childhood, my trust was broken. God promised me two years ago that he was going to restore my trust.
Some days we are good; other days, I’m honest with myself and him that I don’t fully trust him in certain areas. I find great peace telling him this as ‘he can take my honesty’ without getting emotional and responding from that place. Some days I say it and carry on with my day, not knowing what the outcome will be, but I expect good things from him. And maybe this is a form of trust. I have peace in telling him exactly how I feel, sugar coating nothing but sharing my raw emotions with my savior, and because he is Love itself, this is what is wrapped around me in my weakest states.
I struggle with anxiety. It used to be depression & anxiety, but he’s healed me from depression of over ten years, last year. With anxiety comes nervousness as I want to please and love him with all of me but the ideal so-called picture I paint and try to live up to, is hard!!! The thing is, I thought I should be perfect, and so I did overtime, trying to be. Whenever or should I make the wrong choice and mess up, I’d beat myself up for extended periods instead of forgiving myself and move forward in our relationship.
I’ve realized that it’s not that deep! The weight on my shoulders, the heavy burdens on my back that prevented me from sleeping well at night all because I was up late wondering if my life pleased him, is a thing of the past. I don’t always live up to the standards taught by men, and this would cause me to isolate myself from him because, in my mind, he’s not pleased with me.
But who told me that? The Bible says the righteous fall seven times, but they get up. I believe they get up because of the love they have for God and his spirit that leads and gives them the strength to get up, brush off and keep going- without the heaviness of guilt and shame. We are human, and life isn’t a destination but a beautiful journey—one with him.
I walk a personal path. It’s God and me; I don’t aim to be perfect; I expect to walk a prosperous path, not a perfect problem-free one, because I am His child. Anxiety gets the best of me some days, but it’s okay because I have already overcome it in the future, I’m just dealing with the process now. Some days I cry more than I smile. I feel defeated and hopeless. It does not mean I’m alone.
I’m in touch with my emotions and told God from the start, and I will be open and honest with him at all times.
I don’t know where ill be a few years from now, but I’m always excited about what is to come. I know it’s more incredible things.
When my soul is bare, I feel so much better than putting on a front that I’m always okay because I’m NOT! However, I know I will be because I depend wholly on God and his love. I FEEL a mess some days, but I’m still a beautiful masterpiece in his presence. I’m in love with my uncertain, most times turbulence-filled path, but it’s taking me somewhere. He is taking me somewhere.
My job is to believe and keep renewing my mind with his word. To think of things that uplift my spirit no matter the struggle and focus on what I know to be true!
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”…. ”you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.” -Isaiah 43:2 & 4
“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think of things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” -Phil 4:8
I found this the other day and can relate. I know someone else can too…..
Sometimes it breaks my heart that we can’t be vulnerable or transparent with each other and, in turn, be understood and accepted. Someone to offer a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen sincerely. It would really be nice if we can slowly be our authentic selves with others. Some are blessed with a spouse, friend, or family, but others struggle deeply and suffer silently with things they would like to share.
We all hurt, suffer from or struggle with something or has in the past. There’s no shame in being or knowing someone who has a mental illness.
We shy away from opening up due to being judged, criticized, or being offered unsolicited advice- yeah, sometimes we just want to vent. We know what to do or how to go about making adjustments, we just need the comfort of another in the form of a listening ear, a hug, cry with us if you feel like as we share with you. But the truth is that most are quick to start a scandal and share our personal business, laugh at our struggles, diagnose us then wonder why people are not being open but choose to be secretive.
Love, we are each other’s safe haven, sisters/brother’s keeper. We can be more emphatic, accepting of, and sensitive to another person’s struggle.
Mental illness (depression and anxiety in all forms) is real and can be healed. Pray for someone, listen to them, comfort them, be patient and gentle in approach. Be kind with your words…. They won’t always be that way. Gal 6:2 says to bear one another’s burdens. 1 Tim 2:1 says to pray for ALL people, ask God to help them. Intercede on their behalf and be thankful for them.
We can experience love and connection so rare and powerful for/ with each other in a mind-blowing way😊 if only we are open.
We might truly fear what others think about us more than we think we care more about what God thinks about us. Also, we are judging ourselves and others when we think we aren’t. Hear me out for a few minutes…
A few years ago I found out I was pregnant. I was heart broken! How can I be heartbroken about a blessing? A beautiful experience having a miracle growing inside me? A sweet soul I get to talk to everyday from the minute her ears developed and she could hear. (I assumed it was a girl 🙂 ) The start of motherhood and bonding with my baby anticipating her kicks in response to my voice.
I was crushed over the decision I had taken and was on my way to fulfilling.
See, I had just hit what felt like rock bottom about 8 months prior, at the same time in a beautiful life altering way. I was in the beginning of my relationship with my Jesus. So, what was the issue then? A former co-worker was helping me out until I got on my feet enough with a job and could afford my own place. I literally would’ve been starting over. I was staying with him and one thing lead to the next one night and I ended up getting pregnant. Tears flooded my eyes. Not only were we not in a relationship but since childhood I’ve always dreamed of being married before having kids. My biggest concern though, waswhat will people think? I lived on a small island where everyone practically knew each other. I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and wondered what would be said about me, what if my ex saw me. I was struggling, or so I thought… And so I decided to have an abortion 2 weeks after finding out. For the entire 2 weeks I cried! I apologized to my baby over and over. I remember the day of the mini surgery I spoke to a lady who I believe was a counselor at the clinic. I told her my biggest concern was being forgiven by God, or so I thought at the time.
In reality I was more concerned about the criticism I was going to face being a single mom-he didn’t want to be apart of the pregnancy- and the disappointment in myself for not accomplishing my dream the way I wanted to. I wasn’t married and had a baby on the way. I didn’t turn to Jesus and ask him to help me unload the fears I had. I didn’t tell him I was scared and ask him to give me strength to keep my head up and raise my baby in love not guilt or shame. I didn’t think to ask what he thought about my being pregnant and not married. I instead made my decision out of fear and shame and asked him to forgive me.
We don’t live in fear of what God thinks about us or fear his judgement more than how we live in fear of what others think. You’re a pastor, teacher, Christian, or someone well known and your child got in some l trouble, what’s the first thought that comes to mind? What will the church thinks? what will my students, clients, neighbors think should they find out? what is this telling you, love, that you focus more about what others think rather than asking God to help you move on from or forward with whatever you’re facing.
Today, I think back on 5 years ago. Now, 5 years of experiences, understanding and growth, personally and in my walk with Jesus. Abortion wouldn’t have crossed my mind regardless of how many persons I think may gather stones to throw at me, because my eyes are now on Jesus and knowing and growing in him more. My aim is not to sin or fall into temptation but I am not perfect and my imperfections lead me closer to His feet where I am consistently changing and experiencing amazing rest. When I mess us, I run to him especially days I realize I might be hiding.
Love, you might not be pregnant but is facing something embarrassing (or so you think) something that could get you in the spotlight of being judged and criticized, but don’t fear what other people might think or say. Don’t let the way you had it all planned out scare you because you/ things took a left turn. God is still with you, he still approves of you. Run to him, talk to him, invite him where you are and share your fears and concerns with him, you’re not alone therefore don’t make decisions as if you are.
We need to get to a place in our hearts where we learn to really stop judging each other. Not just read about it. What if its not God who is judging us so harshly but it is really us doing it to each other or ourselves? The first commandment is to love God, the second is to love our neighbors as we love ourselves- Matt 22:37-39. Love doesn’t condemn, its not harsh, it doesn’t bring guilt and shame, it doesn’t bring burden. Love HELPS, it accepts, comforts and say ‘okay, how do we move on from here, how do we keep going forward?’ This is how we would want to be treated.
The bible tells us- Romans 14 not to judge what seem right to another person, not to judge someone if they worship on a day totally different from yours or eat some thing you don’t. We are to be understanding and accepting. God will judge and convict us and his convictions leads beautifully to correction. Never once did I feel convicted for being pregnant without being married! I think verse 4 says it beautifully, ” Who are you to condemn someone else’s servants? Their own master will judge whether they stand or fall. And with the Lord’s help, they will stand and receive his approval.” So you see, God will help to make corrections and he will approve of that person- YOU!
I never thought I’d share my story of having an abortion but it showed me how I feared men and things wont always go the way I plan. Whatever happens, God is my help. I am not ashamed of my past, It actually made me stronger and as I type these words, my heart is filled with excitement sharing my experience with you. I also learned that at times we feel judged maybe not by others but it is really us judging ourselves because of certain expectations we place on ourselves.
We have personally experienced so much of the prodigal son’s story on our journey. Upon realizing, we beat ourselves down without realizing the grace and love that Jesus used to return us back to his arms and a state of mental peace without actually condemning us. It’s really us overwhelm ourselves with unkind thoughts and words instead of being gentle and patient with ourselves enough to see that we can just run back to Jesus and surrender control to him every singe time we mess up, seventy times seven, and not be in the trouble we think we are in.
I’m currently in a position where I’m depending on God to change a specific situation for me. At times, I allow anxiety and fear brings me to a place where I take control without realizing or intentionally try to take control. At times, I get curious. Should my curiosity lead me to a roadblock or detour, I find that I sometimes worry instead of running to my savior without feeling like I’m in trouble and get hard on myself.
I am learning to be okay with my curiosity because wherever it takes me, God is there as well. Ever since I became open to this thought, it’s been even more wonderful!
If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. – Psalm 139:8
This morning while drinking a bowl of cereal, I’m reminded that I can go to him anytime, whether in the middle, beginning, or end of any situation, and give him total control without beating myself up for waiting too long or fear that he is angry with me because just like the prodigal son’s father, he will welcome me back with open arms and crazy love! Gosh, he loves us so very much! You see, in the recent past, I would go to him and repent but not without feeling bad- not in a convicted sense- but more of a ”girl, what is wrong with you, why you keep messing up?” and not before isolating myself due to fear that God was angry with me or that he will be. But this only kept me away from him, away from talking with him, away from peace.
He really is a God of love and the more we see him as that and less of a God of wrath we will experience a deeper love and closeness toward him.
My desire is to remind you that you too can run to him no matter how deep you are in your own stuff, without feeling ashamed or condemned. Romans 8:1 reminds us that there are now no condemnation for those who belong to Christ, so throw off whatever is holding you back and might be causing you to isolate and run to our loving God let him wash you in his peace and remove whatever burdens you.
I know you’re coming so I start to wait… I know I’ll receive whatever you promised so I’ll wait. You promised to do a specific thing for me and so I wait… I start off strong , optimistic I start making plans about what we are gonna do, how things will be, how you’ll minister to me, comfort me, provide for me, help me to endure. I think about intimate moments of worship, reading your word and how it’ll melt my heart, thinking about you until I fall asleep, dreaming of walking hand in hand into the unknown, into deepest places where radical faith is the only thing that will be beneath my feet. And when I wake in the morning you will already be there, sitting at my bedside smiling as I pry my eyes open.
I meditate enthusiastically on how this wait will build my trust in you, faith in you. I will be content. I will get to see you move mountains, watch you blow my mind, get me even more excited. You will repair whatever gets broken along the way. When it gets tedious you’ll give me supernatural strength, you’ll hold my hand and walk with me… hey, I’ll get to see the set of footprints the songwriter writes about. I’ll wait Jesus! I say. I’ll wait on you. I love you so much, so I’ll wait on you. No matter the storm, I’ll wait on you. No matter how discouraged I get I’ll wait on you. No matter the distractions, the naysayers, the dream killers, the miracle blockers… oh yes, they will try, but I believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.
During the wait, you’ll give me assignments to carry out… you’ll rebuild and restore me, you’ll teach me to love myself and my neighbors, you’ll give me the desire to do what makes my soul restful. You’ll lead me to carry out the plans you have for me.
But it’s been some long, weeks, months, years, decades and I still haven’t seen what you promised, some, of what you promised… I still haven’t seen! I’m getting tired Jesus. I know you’re still here, I know you’re cheering me on, I know I’ll pass these tests, I know I can endure, I know I will see the completion of what you’ve started… it’s already done in the spirit waiting to be manifested in the natural. You gave Elijah food when he laid down to rest, so if I gotta rest too I know you’ll tend to me. When my legs give out from standing too long, I’ll fall to my knees and when I’m tired of kneeling, I’ll lay down. But whatever it takes, I’ll wait on you this time.
So here’s what I have and I’m learning about the wait… the most beautiful thing is that I get to depend completely on Jesus, self-dependence is thrown out. I’m challenged and stretched out of my comfort zone, lovingly being lead to trust in one who will never fail me, who has my best interest at heart, who refreshes me, revives me when I get worn out and encourages me to keep going. I truly believe it depends on our perspective of how we choose to view the wait. Complain all the way or rest and find the fun in it walking day by day with the one who has already directed our steps.
I used to feel as if I wasn’t worth much to God. Like I only mattered when I did works or didn’t mess up much. I’d be anxious daily, couldn’t sleep peacefully at nights playing over my day in my head wondering if I was enough ’today.’ This weighed me down, literally felt like I was carrying around burdens on my shoulders.
Today I walk in the truth that God loves me before all else; he loves me as his daughter before his witness/ servant, and the rest in knowing this is ’out of this world,’ talk about peace that surpasses what I can understand. My mind is free! I know that my worth isn’t based on how productive I am or how much I’ve accomplished. My character, who I am at heart, what God thinks about me and who he says I am is what matters. My worth is in him! He calls me precious and blessed and that’s exactly what I am!
If you feel anything less than loved by Jesus, it’s a LIE! You are worth more than you can ever imagine!! And if you already know this, let me just remind you to keep walking in this area as I know cares can help us to become exhausted and forget. 💖💖
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations and relationships that are draining, difficult, disappointing, heartbreaking, and causes us to lose ourselves or almost. We know we should let it go, it hurts like crazy, the pressure is on from the ones around us who love us and does want the best for us. Still, it’s so much easier for them to say ”just let it go, it’s done, its over, nothing is left there for you, move on, it’s only hurting you, ” which, is dismissing your feelings…but they aren’t the one with the emotions. They aren’t / weren’t the ones in the relationship/ situation. They aren’t the ones still in love, sad, confused, and maybe deep down, still hoping… It doesn’t mean you don’t know what’s best; it’s just hard to do right now, and it’s okay.
You have to understand and be okay with where you are ’right now.’ Others can’t do that for you. It’s okay to ’KNOW’ what needs to be done but not have enough strength or willpower to act right away. (I know this sounds unorthodox or what society might not support but listen to your inner, majority of the time, it does not agree with society, and it’s so calming) It doesn’t mean you won’t do what’s necessary…. Until then, God is there with you in your pain covering you, protecting your mind as he is healing your heart. (Isaiah 43:2)
My grandmother always says,” it may be long, but not forever.” You’re going to be okay, love. You are okay! You just took a turn that is slowing you down and breaking your focus for a short time. Be patient with yourself. I know it hurts, but don’t rush trying to feel better. And try not to be angry with the ones around you who mostly encourages you to ’cope’ or are trying to fix your current feeling (s). They are just trying to help the best way they know-how. These are not bad advice. However, they force you to bury or push important emotions on the back burner that might later resurface again. It’s better to face and deal with them now.
Here is the thing though, the hardest part is ‘wanting’ to let go. Sometimes, we don’t want to let go because we think we might not find another (like them), it’s just too painful to even think of letting go- the texts, calls, hang out, your thoughts, their appearances, the dates, etc. It’s just too much. Finding another job, how long will it take, the idea of not having one… But love, when the time is right, you will without much struggle. Say just how you feel to Jesus, be honest and transparent with him.
Mine went along the lines of ”Lord; it’s hard; it hurts… A lot. I know it’s best to walk away, but I don’t have the energy to do so right now, and I’m not even sure I want to. I love him, Lord. I still do. But I’m saying yes to being healed. I want my heart mended. I want to move on from here. I know you can and will help me, so I depend on you despite my feelings.”
Whenever thoughts of him came up, I’d acknowledge them while giving them to the Lord. As days progressed, knowing I might not get a text or call, I’d tell him how I feel and ask him for strength to get through that day… And, if he does reach out, I’d ask God to guard my heart, thoughts, and conversation, should there be any (you decide). Over the next few weeks, slowly, my emotions faded… I didn’t even notice until one day as I scrolled through my phone, I came across his pic, and the pain I once felt wasn’t as impactful!
We’ve all been down this road (countless times) where our hearts had been shattered. For me, the thought of letting go hurt even more than the heartbreak, sometimes. I’d be letting go of us. Thoughts of us, kept me company, but I also couldn’t stand that we were no longer talking. I learned to pour my heart out, my raw emotions to Jesus as a daughter being completely vulnerable before her father. A father filled with love and compassion. A listening ear ready to soothe and not judge. I know he could make my emotions fade; I know he could make me want to walk away as if it were my initial desire. I know he could have me back to robust functionality in no time. I know as I healed, though thoughts of that person come up, it wouldn’t hurt as before. I know all I had to do was surrender and let him take over. But I also know it wouldn’t be easy or comfortable to decide.
You’re walking away for good. So, it’s okay to take it slow, but I encourage you to invite Jesus in every moment while you cry or think. Phil 2:13 is one of my best friends during like these… ”For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Gosh! He is going to do all the work when we are too tired, hurt, and weak to do what has to be done. I just love how he loves! Yahweh, you are amazing! Oh, we just adore you so very much! There never has and will never be a love like yours. Thank you for your incredible love and grace. You are a wonder Lord, and we love to gaze upon you, ponder about how good you are! Whew, I had to get that out y’all. He is so good… So so good! And I love him so much!!
Dear ones who love us, we would like you to know that when we share what we are going through, we would love for you to listen with empathy instead of dismissing our feelings by saying ”don’t feel bad, it will be okay, let go and move on…” We want you to be present with us, listen to us, cry with us- just be here, fully. No, we are not weak; neither do we insist on being in the emotional, mental even physical state we are at the moment and burden you, but this is exactly what is it IN THE MOMENT… A season, an experience that too will pass. And, a lesson that might be in the process that we all can hopefully learn and benefit from.
Serving God isn’t just about doing ministry work… In fact, the way we treat people is our first ministry. Are we doing our best to be forgiving? Showing mercy? Having compassion? Accepting the flaws/ differences of one another? What is the condition of your heart? How are you toward your neighbor, your family members? Yeah, this one stings I know. That one person who minds every body’s business but their own… can I be honest??? How about that one who always criticizes?
Love, this is your first ministry before preaching the word, being a minister, usher, praise dancer, worship leader, musician…. It all starts with the inner… This is hard! HARD! It’s not easy loving, forgiving or being merciful when someone is unkind, finds fault in everything you do, abuses you mentally and emotionally, disrespects you, is malicious, gossips all the time, is selfish…. It’s hard when you want to retaliate because it hurts so much, but have to cry it out secretly or wait patiently for God to work. Hey, it’s even harder sometimes to pray for their hearts to be softened towards you and asking the Lord to increase your compassion toward them. It’s never gonna be perfect, but it takes being intentional and slow paces. Some days you’ll be on top of your game, some days you won’t get it right, but at least you’re trying, you know?
The days you find yourself in challenging seasons (my now reality), you’ll need to draw even closer to Jesus, pray more, read, read, read and digest the word! Believe and be content in it, be authentic with yourself and him, and guard your heart… This is also where I believe he is closer to us, hugging on us and encouraging us when we feel alone. I can’t count how often Jesus reassures me with his word when I feel anxious, (it happens). He’s always on time. So it is with confidence I say ”hes got you covered!”
But take care of your heart, monitor very closely your emotions…. It’s okay to be upset, but please don’t let it take you over. Talk to God about it, tell him how you feel and invite him in your emotions to shine light on it. It’s not what goes into a person that defines him but what comes out of that person….
It’s very okay to not be understood by all or even one person. Learn to be your own company and understand yourself… It’s a beautiful process. Oh, and this teaches you not to look to others for approval 😉. Sometimes wanting to be understood is secretly wanting others to approve of our existence! As long as you understand and is at peace with whoever you are, it’s all good, love!